Flow of the River
by Dancing Manatee
Summary: Life is a river and the only way you survive is to follow the flow. After returning from war, Mulan and Shang must face their changing futures -- both together and separate -- and let life take them to where they belong. Mulan I only; not sequel compliant
1. Chapter 1

_Honorable Fa Zhou,_

_I would like to extend further gratitude to your daughter for her service to the Chinese people. I was pleased to have met Fa Mulan weeks ago and am impressed with blessings she has received from China. Hearing her name spread like wildfire though my country has brought great pride to my heart. We are all astounded by her and I can only hope that she equally proud._

_In a fortnight, the Warrior's Festival will be held at my Palace to honor the soldiers of present and past and their duty in protecting China. Fa Mulan, the Lady Warrior, is my Honored Guest and the Fa family will be recognized with Distinction. I am eager to have you all._

_Fa Zhou, I would like to extend one more gift to Fa Mulan: a betrothal to one of the many honorable men at Court. Many of the men of the Imperial Court are impressed with the story of the Lady Warrior. The men here value women who are strong, courageous, and intelligent. A match with such a bride would produce capable heirs and an influential wife – both invaluable assets for courtiers. The Imperial Officers are particularly interested in a bride with physical finesse and a military family. Clearly, a match with military prowess on both sides would produce children who would grow into incredibly capable soldiers. _

_Furthermore, all of the young, eligible men in my court are honorable and righteous. Every single one can provide a comfortable life for your daughter, a title of First Wife, and a desire for a family. Each one can offer promises of influence, knowledge, independence, wealth, or travel. Some can promise all. _

_I would be honored if the Fa family would accept my gift. I understand if Fa Mulan would prefer a life in the country, but I would not extend the invitation if I believed that were so. After all, once the rain falls, it cannot help but be swiftly carried out to sea._

_  
Your Honored Emperor  
__Son of Heaven, Father of Sun_

*~*~*~*~*

"Mulan, you must go to Chang'an."

Fa Zhou's words echoed in Mulan's mind. The letter that her father recieved from the Emperor was a complete shock. Her mother cried with joy when she heard the news -- an honorable marriage is what she always dreamed for her daughter, but to live at the Imperial Palace itself? Such things were unheard of.

The whole idea of living so far away frightened Mulan more than she ever wanted to admit. She had never succeeded in any of the tasks expected from women out in her country. How would she survive at _Court_? With her luck, she would never even have a child. Fa Estate was her home. She was loved and accepted for herself here. Even though she was proud of what she did in the army and found her honor, she missed her family terribly. She wasn't ready to leave them again.

Her father could sense her hesitation and stroked her head protectively.

"Mulan, let me tell you a story from when I was young. I made many friends when I served in the Imperial Army. Most men moved on and led honorable lives. One did not. This man earned one of the highest honors a soldier could receive and was proclaimed a hero. Many employers offered him work, many fathers offered their daughters, and everyone expected tremendous things from him. It became apparent, however, that he would not fulfill those expectations. He had gone mad with the horrors of war that sometimes afflicts old soldiers. People became angry that someone who stood for honor and strength could be so weak or that he would forsake his duties. They were frustrated that such an honorable solider would become a detriment upon society. They were disappointed their hero had fallen. He was a deviant – stripped of his honor and shunned.

"I know the way of the people. Young people are expected to marry and have children. Women must care for their families and men must provide and protect them. If you do not live up to the expectations that society has for you, you will find that those who once praised your name will resent you. If you do not fulfill your duties, you too will be seen as a deviant. You know, Mulan, that deviance is only tolerated in small doses – especially from women."

Her father was rarely ever this direct with her. She knew, deep down, that everything he said was true, but it was so hard to accept. She felt free when she was out in the world as Ping or inside her home as Mulan, but Mulan out in the world never had much freedom.

She sat where she was for a very long time, not even realizing that her father had left her to her thoughts. It wasn't until a gentle hand touched her back and set a cup of tea into her hands, did she realize the darkness of night that surrounded her.

Her grandmother stood there with a focused, but sad look in her eyes. The old woman squeezed Mulan's shoulder, but looked at her with the same focus that she had seen in her father's eyes -- in her own reflection. "Farmers have no need for Lady Warriors, Mulan. The men out here admire you, but would never take a non-Traditional wife. The country out here is peaceful and it may be your home, but your options are few. You have options in Chang'an. Options are choices and choices are freedom. I know you will find your place in Chang'an, Mulan. I know Chang'an will find a place in you."

Then Mulan was alone again.

The roof of the house was the new place she found serenity. In those few moments she was on the roof with Shan-Yu, the air was clearer and the world more open than she ever felt it before. Or in the mountains where the air was crisp and clear. Up there, the stars were so clear and the breeze caressed her face. Those were the moments her mind was mostclear. So Mulan climbed to the roof of the stable, then jumped to the roof of the main house and up to the tallest bit she could find and sat there.

'_I suppose Chang'an is my best option at this point. I couldn't bear it if I failed. There's so much more at stake now. . . .' _Mulan drew in a deep breath and in the distance, East toward the sea, she could see rain clouds rolling over each other, violently fighting to be the first to move westward. Lightning cracked through the sky and, up there, where she found so much clarity, she also felt a chill come over her. Not fromthe temperature outside, but from fear, from nervousness, and from acceptance and courage. _'I know I can do this. I must try. I will find the best inside myself to do it. Please, ancestors, help me find that.'_

Mesmerized by the rolling of thunder and lightning in the distance, Mulan's memory slowly conjured up an image – an image she had not seen in many years. It was when she was only seven years old and her family was on their way to visit her maternal grandparents. They passed a river along the way and Mulan had jumped in to clean herself off.

Her mother warned her not to wander too far into the river, but Mulan did not heed the warning. The faster current in the middle had swiftly swept her away. Her mother cried out to her desperately, her father jumped in to rescue his child, but Mulan was carried too far away now and the water was flowing faster and harder. She knew how to swim, and desperately paddled back up river, but water surged into her face, pushed her under, drowning her very slowly. Rocks big and small scratched and thudded into her. Her efforts were only pushing her further from her parents.

"_Baba! Help!_"

Her hands found a rock large enough to hold onto, but the constant pulling made it difficult to hang on. She had coughed, recovering her breathing as much as she could. She couldn't think of much else besides the roaring in her ears, the burning in her lungs, the thudding in her chest, the tears in her eyes.

In a single moment, she saw her father calling after her frantically. And for just a moment, the world stopped and she could hear his voice with more clarity than she ever heard anything in her life or would ever hear again.

"_Mulan! Mulan! Float down the river, slowly moving diagonal toward the banks! Don't fight the water – follow the flow of the river towards the banks!"_

Her cold hands lost grip on her rock and her ears lost the comfort of her father's voice, but his words chanted over and over in her head: _follow the flow of the river, follow the flow of the river, follow the flow of the river. _

She found herself panting on the banks a short while later, her mother clinging to her in relief. Despite the fact that she had almost just died, Mulan couldn't help but be elated – she had _survived_. Of course her father told her what to do, but she kept her feet and head up, she navigated the river, she survived.

_On her own_.

"Mulan, my beautiful daughter, life is a river and sometimes you are swept away in it. I am so proud to see that you can conquer even the most perilous currents."

Her father hugged her close.

Mulan didn't know how long she sat on the roof, just watching the storm move South. Or how long after that she watched the stars travel across the sky. She didn't know how long she listened to the chirps of birds or studied he faint outline of mountains to the North. Seeing the first light of day break, she had to jump into the rapids and let the current take her wherever she was meant to go. Mulan climbed down the roof, but in an instant, slipped on the morning dew that coated the shingles. Her reflexes were quick and she caught herself on the ledge before falling. It was enough of a drop that she could let go now and be all right, but enough that if she hadn't caught herself, she would have easily broken a bone. Mulan breathed a sigh of relief -- thanking Shang for teaching her quick reflexes. Here, now, she knew that her ancestors blessed her with strength, wits, courage, fortitude, and most of all, spirit -- things that most women didn't possess. These guided her to where she is now and they would guide through the next part of her life. There, hanging from the edge of her roof, Mulan found her best. It was the armor that protected her – the armor that was unbreakable.

She dropped to the ground with ease and grinned to herself.

"Follow the flow the river."


	2. Chapter 2

Mulan's bags were packed with all her clothes, perfumes, and jewelry. Tomorrow she would leave and today the village gathered for a feast to say goodbye.

Each piece of cloth had been carefully pressed and folded. Her jade beads and lotus comb were wrapped in silk many times so the weight of the journey wouldn't break them. The many women of the village – women, Mulan noted, who had once whispered disgraceful gossip – were fondling over her with envious excitement.

"Oh, Fa Mulan, think of the food you will taste! And the perfumes you will be bathed in! They use spices and herbs from exotic lands, things that I've never even heard of."

"Imagine – you'll never have to wear old rags after you are received at the Palace. An honorable and wealthy man would never let his wife clean or feed chickens."

Mulan saw her mother give her a sly glance and Mulan smiled slightly to herself – of course, women of distinction had their dogs feed the chickens instead. Despite her outward, Mulan inwardly sighed to herself, sipping her tea, staring with affection toward her travel bag. She loved her old rags. They were worn in and comfortable. She had her daily constitutional in those clothes, climbed to the roof in those clothes.

An elder woman, who was older than Grandma even and from one of the wealthiest families in town, walked over to Mulan and bowed. In her hands she carried a long scroll. Mulan bowed back and took the scroll from her hands.

"It's a collection of poetry. More poets are arising every day, each one with lovely images and sounds. All the gentlemen, ladies, and scholars of Court will be reading. Immerse yourself in this beauty, Fa Mulan. It is an art that you should quickly learn to love."

The Lady Warrior bowed in gratitude and held the scroll tightly to her chest.

"Read one for us, Fa Mulan," said one of the village mothers from the back of the room. "You have a lovely voice."

Mulan smiled and delicately untied the red silk bow around the scroll. She opened the scroll and found a short verse.

"It's by Li Bai – called Endless Yearning. . . .

_I am endlessly yearning  
To be in Chang'an,  
Insects hum of autumn by the gold brim of the well  
A thin frost glistens like little mirrors on my cold mat,  
The high lantern flickers, and deeper grows my longing  
I lift the shade and, with many a sigh, gaze upon the moon,  
Single as a flower, centered from the clouds  
Above, I see the blueness and deepness of the sky  
Below, I see the greenness and the restlessness of water…  
Heaven is high, Earth wide, bitter between them flies my sorrows  
Can I dream through the gateway, over the mountain?  
Endless longing  
Breaks my heart."_

The ladies sighed and smiled at her with affection and envy. They all murmured amongst themselves excitedly about all of the gorgeous experiences and things that Mulan will encounter at the Palace. All were yearning for that life, imagining themselves in Mulan's place.

'_I will not have to yearn for Chang'an, I suppose. I will yearn for my home here with my family and the fresh air. I didn't ever want a life of power and prestige. I wanted one that was simple and loving. I suppose that Chang'an my destiny.'_

"You do have the loveliest voice, Mulan. You speak so perfectly," said one of the ladies to her – someone barely older than Mulan. "When you go to Chang'an, you must read poetry to all of the Court."

"Zheng Jiang gave you a very wonderful gift, Mulan. I hope that you will be able to share that gift with everyone. I hope that Court will appreciate your eloquence and delicate rhythm."

"Yes, you must practice always! So when you come back to the village, we can hear you more."

At the begging of a few younger women, who had been swept away in the romantic imagery and Mulan's lovely reading, she read more. The women around her faded away until only the images conjured in her mind remained. Mulan loved the way the words filled her mouth like a plum, soft and sweet. Each feeling, each beat of her heart, spilled out with each syllable. It was exhilarating. It was freedom.

Perhaps that's why she spoke them so well.

*~*~*~*~*

In the distance the drums began to beat loudly and from growing sound of clasping hooves, Mulan knew her escort had arrived to take her and her family to Chang'an.

Mulan watched as her Father went to the door and opened it to let the man inside.

"Ah, Captain Li! It's wonderful to see you again," Fa Zhou's voice radiated from the front courtyard and Mulan's eyes piqued from where she stood peaking through the window of their dining room. In a flash, she stumbled into the kitchen, crashing to the floor. Her Mother was preparing their breakfast, and looked strangely at her.

"Good gracious, Mulan. What is the matter?"

"Mama, how do I look?" she asked as she quickly regained her composure.

Her Mother chuckled to herself, stirring the rice. "The Captain must be here."

Mulan's face flushed. How did she not know that Shang would be her escort? How did Mama know? Her Mother smiled at her. "Mulan, you look fine. Please, take this food to you poor Grandma."

"She's sick still? You won't be coming with me?"

"Of course not. I must stay and take care of her. Your father must escort you to Chang'an."

Mulan shot her mother a strange look as she picked up the tray for her Grandma. "Wait, why does Baba need to escort me? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Besides, why have an escort come from the Palace?"

"You need an escort. You're still a young, unmarried woman. You can't go gallivanting off on your own."

"I traveled all over China in a war! Shang didn't escort me from Chang'an last time – I was fine alone."

"You will call him, the Captain or Captain Li, Mulan. Not Shang," her Mother snapped. The older woman sighed to herself and looked over at her daughter with tears forming in her eyes. "Mulan, I love you and I only want what's best. You are not Ping. You are not a run away. You are my daughter and a future Courtier. Remember: honor and dignity. Now go take that to your Grandma."

As Mulan walked away, her Mother called after her once more and embraced her as tight as she could without spilling the food on the tray. Her Mother fussed with her hair and pinched her cheeks. "Mulan, you look lovely. You always look lovely."

Mulan walked to her Grandma's chamber with soup, rice, and tea. Thoughts flowed through her head about everything her life would become in Chang'an. A close friendship with Shang was only acceptable for Ping. For Mulan, it was either a betrothal or a scandal. Mulan knocked quietly before entering and found her Grandma sitting up and smiling.

"Good morning, my beautiful Granddaughter. You are leaving today. You have a smile on your face. That's good."

"The Captain is here – I'm leaving soon," she replied setting the tray in front of her Grandma.

Her Grandma chuckled to herself. "I get the feeling your smile is for Li Shang, not the journey."

Mulan gave a small nod. She gave a heavy sigh and watched the old woman eat a few bites of soup. Running through the things she wanted to say _'I don't know. . . . You said choices. . . . Will I have. . . ."_

"You look thoughtful, dear. You are always so full of thoughts. Would you like to share one?"

Mulan sighed again. "Grandma, I don't know if this right for me. If any of this is right for me. I'm not a traditional woman. How is that to be more respected at Court where every sigh is scrutinized? You said I have choices there. I understand how, but what if I don't want any of the choices presented to me?"

Her Grandma set down her spoon and looked unwaveringly at Mulan, the Fa focus in her eyes. Mulan knew her Grandma wasn't scrutinizing her, but simply thinking. She sighed and reached out for her granddaughter's hand. Mulan gave it willingly, desperate to hear her advice.

"Mulan, my dear, you don't know. The Fortune Tellers can reveal you your destiny, your future, but even they are blinded. You've always been true to yourself Mulan and you will earn respect by continuing to do so. Not everyone will like you, but rivers diverge sometimes in life and you must take one path. Take the path of peace and submission or take the life of politics and confidence. Both are true to yourself Mulan, and you must choose one. That is life."

Mulan sighed, somehow her mind wasn't eased. Confusion and questions ran rampant. And this was the moment, she needed to decide. No more reflection.

"Then again," her Grandma began with a smile, "you are the Lady Warrior. You make your destiny, Mulan. How many others can say the same? Not even the Emperor can say that. Whichever path you take, you will find what you are looking for. Just like the river, life bends, turns, rolls, thunders, and falls. And like rivers, we can only see so far into our lives. The rest is faith that we can navigate whatever comes our way."

Mulan nodded, hugging her Grandma as close as she could without spilling her food.

"I love you very much, Mulan. You are lovely. You are always lovely. Always."

"I love you too, Grandma," Mulan replied and kissed her Grandma's forehead before bowing and walking away.

On her way back to the kitchen, Mulan grabbed a kettle and two teacups. She had a new found determination and felt herself stand up a little taller.

She stood at the front doorway for a moment, looking at Shang, her forbidden friend. He was still as good-looking as ever, with the red cape draped around his neck. He held Quin's, his white stallion's, reins in one hand. His face brightened with a rare smile, but Mulan wondered to herself – was Shang's smile rare or was the situation of their meeting that made him particularly serious?

Mulan stepped back and leaned against the door frame, keeping a hold on her kettle and cups. Regardless of his smile, his eyes were the most spectacular. For as long as she lived, she would recall those few moments before she fainted from her injury up in the Tung Shao Pass when Shang stared deep into her eyes. All his heart came out in his eyes, and that moment he bared it all to her. She had always seen something different in his eyes before that moment, but after, Mulan could tell that his face tried to hide what his eyes were saying. And she could always read his eyes.

Mulan quickly reminded herself of her Grandma's words and walked out to see him again, her heart hammering against her chest. _'Follow the flow of the river. Follow the flow of the river. Follow the flow of the river,'_ she chanted to herself, loosening some of her nerves.

His eyes met with hers.

"Good morning, Captain!"

******

Shang smiled at Fa Zhou recalling the party that had taken place in the Fa home after Mulan had received the letter from the Emperor. To be perfectly honest, he had felt so elated when the Emperor had asked him to go fetch Fa Zhou and Fa Mulan.

Quin neighed impatiently, pulling at his reigns to eat and drink. Shang tugged back, before glancing over at the door. Their eyes connected. His breath hitched in his lungs and his heart pounded wildly against his chest.

"Good morning, Captain!"

Quin took advantage of his master's loosened grip and escaped to go eat some hay from the trough. Shang quickly scrambled after his horse, and heard some chuckling behind him.

"Ah, it appears your stallion is hungry, Captain. Why don't I take him to our stables?"

"Uh, yes, th—thank you, Fa Zhou," he replied, his eyes unwavering off Mulan. Her small, familiar grin felt warm and comforting. Yet the sight of her approaching him, looking almost coy and overtly feminine, with a tea kettle and teacups in her hands, was unnerving. The Mulan he knew was not delicate or coy. She was feminine, but in her own fluid, subtle, resilient way. She was like two opposite things – the magnolia blossoms for which she was named, but also the trunk that stood sturdy. She was a swiftly falling rain and fire that burned. She was moonlight and sunlight. Dawn and dusk. She was everything in one person. When he saw her, he felt things both strange and wonderful. Now, however, all he could feel was pure elation to see her standing before him. His eyes shone with happiness and his smile radiated to her.

"Good morning, Mulan."

In that moment, he saw her unnatural coyness break apart and the Mulan he knew appeared before him. They both laughed to themselves at their own silliness and the Captain felt his nervousness ebb away.

Mulan invited him to sit on the veranda and she poured them some tea. They talked for a while of the news of her letter and Shang's business at the Palace in the last two months since he left. He mentioned only briefly his father's passing, trying to keep the true grief off his face. Mulan looked at him with the focus he had come to know and love. It was as if she could see inside his mind. She talked very little of the party the village had thrown for her, and instead talked extensively about love she was cultivating for poetry.

"It's as if I can live a life I never had through feelings I've already felt."

Shang stopped himself for a moment to let her words sink in. Her words were lovely simply because that one sentence said so much about her – things he knew and he didn't know. Clearly, she longed for adventure, but what kind? What were these feelings? What was this life?

He, himself, had never really understood poetry, but even if the loveliness of Mulan's readings were embellished dramatically by the compliments of neighbors, he would listen to her just to hear the sound of her voice. To understand what it is she desired. To learn what she knew. As she stared into the distance through the mid-morning haze, he glimpsed at her lips, imagining them now forming exquisite words.

"I don't really know much about poetry, I don't really know if I like it, but I would like to hear you – your favorites," he replied back to her and her face broke out into a brilliant smile. It wasn't often he felt he said the right thing with women, but if her smile was any indication, then his stumbling definitely produced something right.

"I would be happy to read them for you. I found a few that I think you will like."

It wasn't long after that the Fa family was congregated in the front courtyard with a wagon strapped to Khan packed with bags. Mulan hugged her Mama and Grandma goodbye and petted Little Brother. Her mother handed her a magnolia blossom – pressed and dried it so it would last forever.

"Grandma and I will see you in a few days, Mulan!" Her Mother waved after her and Mulan watched her home sink slowly out of sight. Then she kept her face forward, on the road to Chang'an.

************

**Non-disclaimer: I'm Disney. I own everything. Including God and chocolate. Bow before me. **

**So I'm not one for Author Notes, but let me clarify that, as much as I love talking animals in D****isney, I'm not putting talking animals in my story. :) Also, I'm trying to be as chronologically correct as I can be, but my main source of information comes from Wikipedia. If you're an ancient Chinese history buff and I make a goof, my apologies. Thanks for the reviews!**

**I got the poem from this site -- it has lots of other lovely poetry on there from the Tang Dynasty: .**


	3. Chapter 3

The route to Chang'an led Captain Li and the Fa father and daughter past the same mountains, rivers, and villages that the Captain's company had taken marching to battle the Huns. Yet, the path didn't seem the same despite how similar the image before him looked to the one in his memory.

"Captain, back and forth from our Bai-Lin village to Chang'an must be tiresome," said Fa Zhou.

"Actually, I haven't been this way since I was with my company months ago. I've been in the countryside since then taking care of some of my Father's affairs."

"Yes, I heard about Li Tung-So."

So often in Shang's travels, people would only refer to his Father as "the General." Hearing the name Li Tung-So and knowing that Fa Zhou construed sadness into his words, cut Shang like a hot knife. For all his mourning, the heartache was still there. At first, he found an outlet for his frustrations in foolish pursuits. It took him weeks to realize that despite all the coins he gambled, all the men he fought, all the rice jiu he drank, and all the women who entertained him, his troubles were as fresh in his mind as they were the day he found the burnt village in the mountains.

Sinful pursuits were a simple distraction, but they did not ease the sickness he felt when he thought of his Father. If anything, after a tryst with a woman, he felt even more ashamed, knowing that his Father was watching with disgust. When he tried to stop with the jiu and the women, memories swarmed him worse than before. He would lay awake at night and wonder if life would ever feel right again, if the rush of emotions from anger to desperation to depression would ever end. Then one night he sat in the tavern and a man recognized him as Li Tung-So's son. This man named Cho Hui had fought with the General back when he was a lowly Captain. For Shang, the story of his Father's life was like fire to a wayward traveler stuck in the darkness and cold. Every stop in the countryside where he had some matter of business to attend to, Shang met with old men who had known his Father at some point in their lives. He listened and learned more about the General's life and that fire grew until the darkness and cold had been chased away.

In his nights alone before his Father died, Shang would fantasize of the fierce battles he would face, following in his Father's steps as a brilliant officer, fighting alongside one another. He could only hear his Father say, "You are a truly worthy and honorable man. I am proud of what you have done." After the General's death, Shang's thoughts were bitter from another death – the death of those hopes. Towards the end of his travels, after learning of his Father's life, Shang realized that he had already fulfilled his desire to make his family proud. Now it was his chance to pursue a different life than Li Tung-So's. Shang's mind had become consumed with questions. What diverging paths did he pass because his focus had blinded him to them? What paths would he see now that his Father was gone? Was it wrong of him to see such opportunity in tragedy?

A small, feminine sigh came from beside him, breaking him from his reverie. Shang grinned to himself, his head swimming with new fantasies of the beautiful woman. Of course, the path he had just started down was lined with lovely magnolia blossoms.

*~*~*~*~*

Mulan couldn't help but find the road to Chang'an – the one she had passed just months ago – to be strangely foreign. She was so focused on getting back to Bai-Lin months ago that she hadn't even looked at the landscape around her. It was nice to think back fondly on her days in the Army, but with every passing step of Khan and every roll of the wagon wheels, more thoughts would drift to Shan-Yu or to those cold moments in the snow when she gazed upon the sword that would execute her. Though everything turned out well in the end, those memories – and the strong, terrible emotions that came with them – haunted her conscious thought. So she would occupy her mind by gazing at the lovely view.

The mountains were no longer snow-capped and the wind around them was hot and moist. It was late in the spring now and all the snow from the mountains was melting, transforming tranquil streams into wild rivers and ponds into lakes. Water was a constant companion. Whether it was a softly flowing stream, a still but vast lake, or the busy rice fields, its presence was the best distraction.

"Fa Mulan, will you miss the country?" Shang asked, gazing up to the mountains where she had been only staring moments ago.

"Yes, but I hope the Palace Gardens will provide me with enough nature – at least for a little while. I only worry about the fresh air. I've become so accustomed to it."

"I understand. My family's home is on the edge of the city with a nice view East. My Father was so used to his long journeys out in the country – he needed some place else to go when he wasn't required to be in the Palace Apartments."

Mulanand the Captain continued with their small talk back and forth for a while – mostly of the air in Chang'an and the extensive Gardens. Soon Fa Zhou spoke up and shared tales of his time in the city before settling down with his wife. Stories carried onto his younger years, fighting in the war beside Li Tung-So. Through all the subtle emotions in Fa Zhou's words, Mulan saw Shang listening politely, but stoic as ever.

It seemed strange to her that he never showed any kind of grief since first learning of his Father's death. Now that she thought of it, the only mourning he ever showed was when he made the soldier's grave in the snow. Not even the week when he stayed with her family immediately after she returned from war. She knew that she was unusually emotional about these things. After all, she was the woman who pretended to be a man and joined the Army to protect her Father's life, but hardly to mourn Li Tung-So? It was so . . . so _uncaring_.

The three didn't mull long over the late General: moving onto stories of Shang's military education as a boy. Mulan didn't have much to offer in the way of educational stories, but she and her Father told stories of her childhood antics, her masterful calligraphy, and newly discovered rhythmic voice. Shang said that in the Palace she would learn so much more about art, philosophy, arithmetic, astronomy, government, chemistry, or anything her heart desired.

"I don't see what use a wife has in knowing all the stars or the theories behind painting," Mulan replied cynically.

"Obviously, so that you can make a perfect match for your daughters and sons one day or how to paint a daughter's face for her wedding day ," Shang replied with a measure of jest in his voice.

Mulanlaughed, but a chill of nervousness ran down her spine. A jolt of anger shocked through her system. Why must her education, her purpose revolve around idle, feminine pursuits of marriage and children?

Then a thought came to her as suddenly as lightning strikes the ground – _'How wonderful would it be to learn something that didn't involve catching a husband?'_

When the Emperor first offered her a position as a government official, she was so focused on going back to Bai-Lin that she didn't even consider it. Though, if she went to Chang'an and became educated – would she still need to marry?

Not that marriage wasn't enticing. . . . It was simply that Mulan never considered herself what men traditionally wanted in a wife. To be honest, she didn't want a traditional marriage either. She would rather live forever unmarried than to be married into a façade.

'_You have options there that you will never have had here. Options are choices and choices are freedom.'_

Her Grandma's words were sweet as cherries. Her life in Chang'an had taken on entirely new meaning. It was a wonderful prospect – to have choices, to have freedom.

"I think I want to learn philosophy. After all, what use are scholarly pursuits to a woman?"

"I suppose to do those things that are not expected of them? Most women try to do things that are unexpected – to entice a husband, but not many women are clever enough _and_brave enough to do it for reasons other than finding a husband. Put the smartest or the most powerful man in the room with an intelligent, courageous, and beautiful woman and he will become a bumbling fool," Shang replied.

"Yes, but that's if that woman decides to use her intelligence, courage, and beauty for man bumbling," Mulan laughed giving Shang a pointed glance.

Fa Zhou laughed too, giving both Mulan and Shang proud looks. "It seems to me, Captain, that you have learned two of the most important lessons of life: One, never be fooled by conventions and appearances."

Mulan shared a look with Shang their interest piqued, but Fa Zhou continued staring forward with a grin on his face. "The second?"

"Nothing is more dangerous than a woman who is strong, beautiful, and clever." Fa Zhou smiled at his daughter approvingly. Mulan laughed and her heart skipped a beat when she saw a true smile grace Li Shang's lips. Behind that smile, she could also see a peculiar expression on his face. Shang nodded over to Fa Zhou, his smile transforming to a mischievous grin.

"After all, who else can put a man in his place besides a woman?"

*~*~*~*~*

The three later found a nice camping spot beside a stream. They had days more to go before reaching Chang'an, but since they all started on the topic of opportunities for women in the Palace, their conversation ran deep into politics, government, philosophy, and art. Shang found himself immersed completely in the conversation – and not just because of the topic. It was enchanting to hear Fa Mulan speak so passionately and with such curiosity to explore and learn more. Not that some of the women he had encountered before didn't speak passionately or didn't care for intellectual subjects, but they seemed to take their education for granted. Mulan didn't – she wanted to know more about it all. And though Shang was impressed by her, he felt slightly embarrassed that he didn't know more, also taking his education for granted.

Over the course of their journey, every day for the last seven days, Shang saw a fire growing inside Mulan. He wasn't positive what it was, but it seemed most likely that her enthusiasm and excitement to live in Chang'an was growing. She seemed so reluctant to leave Bai-Lin at first.

While Fa Zhou prepared dinner, Mulan and Shang took Quin and Khan to the nearby stream to drink. They stood at the bottom of a small hill, taking turns brushing the knots and gnats out of their horse's hair. Away from her Father, Mulan shared with him all the exciting thoughts she was having about an education in the Palace. When she started talking about her trepidations about marriage and even a possibility of not doing so, Shang found himself – disappointed. He cared for Mulan very deeply and held great esteem for her. And of course, she was very beautiful so he admired her the way a man admires a woman. However, his first reaction to whatever she wanted was to support her. It would be an incredible waste to his country to let talent like hers squander behind a paper fan.

So he wondered, truly, how serious she was about this non-marriage idea. Because every day as her excitement grew for her new life in Chang'an, his grew about her. She was incredible in every possible way. She was everything that he wanted in a woman, but felt he had never found. His thoughts during lulls in their conversations or at night before he drifted to sleep often involved having her in his life. He didn't imagine marriage as the idea of marriage still seemed foreign to him, but he passed the point of no return: he needed her in his life.

Shang sighed, his eyes staring deeply into Mulan's. "You know, getting married isn't the end of your life, Mulan. Many people seek your advice. Or you can become very powerful and influential in Court. Marrying could be the beginning of something great. The only way the full potential of a person – man or woman – is realized, is if he or she is married. If anything, you'll be able to accomplish more."

Mulan looked at him with a measure of skepticism. "Oh, and what potential is there for you?"

"As long as I am unmarried and have no child, my position in my career really cannot go higher than a Captain. Sometimes in history men had been promoted without marrying, but only with truly outstanding work and hard times. My father promoted me to Captain before he left for war and even then, many claim it's because of my connections, not my skill – Chi Fu being my main critic. My Father didn't want to do it until I was married, but I – uh – well, I had reservations. I think part of him hoped that my new responsibilities would inspire me to grow up and take a bride." Shang looked away when he said this, his face flushing from embarrassment, but he kept his stance tall and masculine. He had never meant to tell her that his promotion was half due to his exceptional skill as a soldier and his lack of skill as a man.

*****

Mulan watched as Shang continued brushing Quin as the horse drank from the stream. Though everything about his stance and motion said the comment meant nothing, his cheeks were pink, but Mulan didn't know why. She couldn't believe it. Shang? Pass up a wife? "Why?"

"Why what?"

Mulan's face flushed – she didn't realize she said that out loud. "Why did you have reservations?"

"Well, I didn't grow up at Court, but I always thought the women there were strong and capable. My Mother and Grandmother are strong and capable and they came from Court. I always wanted a wife that would be too."

"And none of them would marry you?" Mulan's voice was soft and strained, remembering to her embarrassment with the Matchmaker.

"That's part of it, but the other part is that I soon realized most of the women were strong and capable in way that didn't suit me. They – _hid_ it behind this façade of femininity. So, even then, the seemed insincere."

Mulan wasn't sure what he meant by that, until an image came to mind of the many other brides-to-be in her village. They giggled behind their fans; they were demure, graceful, and polite. They were delicate, refined, and punctual. Every single one was the same at first. Then you learned more about them and you couldn't help but wonder who they were genuinely.

Shang passed the brush to her so she could brush Khan. It was strange how their lives seemed so very similar in so very different ways. The Captain walked in the other direction and cut down a few tall shoots as Mulan kept with her brushing. He washed off the small shoot pieces and cut them into smaller bits.

"Sugar cane." He held out her hand for her to take a piece. Mulan smiled and accepted the sweet. Her Father had sometimes brought home a small shoot of sugar cane for everyone after journeys. Sometimes he found them on the side of the road, other times he bought them from vendors. For weeks after that, her Grandma would make sweet dumplings with dinner.

Silence stood still between them, calmly and comfortably. Mulan couldn't help but watch Shang as he chewed on his sugar cane. Even if he seemed casual and relaxed, Mulan could see the wheels turning in his head. She wondered if he was surveying the land around them,

"Shang, I didn't just join the army for my Father. I joined because I wasn't an honorable daughter at home. I failed the Matchmaker's test. I was outspoken, awkward, spirited, and mischievous. I felt so frustrated because even with my painted face and silk dress, I didn't know how to stop being those things and start acting as a lady should. I suppose then that you and I are more alike than we thought."

Shang stood closer to Mulan, taking her hand in his. She stopped what she was doing and stared down at their hands. She never took him to be one of those types to just take a girl's hand. What about honor? Or duty? They were unmarried and this, as innocent as it seemed, was dangerous. The way he was touching her and the way he stood reminded her of cousinly or brotherly affection.

"Mulan, I think all those things make you interesting. I saw you when you came to Wu Zhong – you've changed since then. I only see confidence now. That is what makes a lady."

"Thank you, Shang," Mulan said, averting her eyes downward. She wasn't uncomfortable talking with Shang, but such intimate things were new. "It's good that you're so particular about a wife. If you can, it's better to struggle for something you want than to settle for what's there."

When she met his eyes, they were not cousinly or brotherly at all. They were passionate and loving and there was so much trust in them. They were the eyes of a man who was holding the woman he loved. The intensity of it shook Mulan to the core, but she couldn't let the feeling go. She took her other hand and put it on his, running the tips of her fingers over his skin.

Strangely, she felt more close to him in the moments when they stood there holding hands than she had ever felt with anyone before. This feeling felt awkward and fresh, sinking in deeply and completely overwhelming. They were standing close – so close that she could feel his breath against her face. In a single moment of clarity, she realized that she was _too_ close and that this was _too_close. Shang must've realized it at the same moment and he let his hands drop.

In that single moment, she realized – and she knew Shang realized too – that some feelings had been revealed to each other. Detached and guarded Captain Li Shang and opened the floodgates. She watched him now to see what he would do. Would he turn away and pretend it never happened? Would he compensate and push her away? Or maybe, just maybe, would he let the water flow?

Shang said nothing, but his face and eyes were unmasked for her. For the first time, a man was looking at her with longing, with _desire_. Blood coursed through her veins, her heart pounding frantically. Nervousness rushed through her as well – shouldn't those looks be reserved for husbands and wives? Weren't those looks dangerous? Wasn't all of this a little dangerous?

Yet, a second and completely unfamiliar feeling washed over her when she stared into his gaze. The desire in him – what was it for? For her heart or her body? How much of her did he want? She wondered -- _What it would be like for him to touch more of me? What would it be like for him to see me dressed as a lady? What does he think when he sees my skin? What would it be like to kiss Shang?_

Oh, she desired him too. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to touch him again, to feel him again. From that moment, there was no escaping it.

*~*~*~*~*

_Fa Zhou, my honorable son-in-law, the passion between men and women is a river. It is still when we are young, but flows faster every day. When we are older, our Fathers, Mothers, Guardians pull us out before we are swept away. Every day, though, we desire the cool rush against our skin again. However, if we are told that dangerous rivers should be avoided until given permission, we doubt that desire and almost forget how to swim. On the other hand, if we rebelliously, but harmlessly, dip our feet into the river once or twice before being thrown in, we never forget that desire and never fear being carried away. _

_Neui-Sai, it's a delicate art in keeping the young ones to shallow waters, but if done correctly, it will produce passionate couples. Remember that passionate couples, happy couples produce many children._

Fa Zhou remembered the letter he received from his Father-in-Law once Mulan was at the age -- too young to be a woman, but no longer a girl. So he turned away from where he watched the innocent flirtations between his daughter and the Captain, knowing that their desire for each other would grow stronger with every tiny step they took together, wetting their feet in the dangerous river. Though he knew that letting this develop was, ultimately, the wise thing to do, his thoughts and impulses were mixed as they were not married – they were not even betrothed! Was it right of him to let them make unspoken promises to each other? The promises were insubstantial – after all, how binding were sly touches and looks? How many flirtations had he shared with young women when he was a young man without the expectations of marriage? No, he would not step in the way.

Captain Li Shang clearly cared for her and that would be enough to entice a marriage proposal. After all, how long had he and his wife desired an honorable husband for their daughter? How long had he felt like he failed as a father for not delivering it to her? Still though, the waters were dangerous and one misstep could carry Mulan away into shame and pain. Young people were foolish, never realizing how far they were into things until it was too late. He would let the flirtation keep for now, but his eyes would remain as vigilant as an eagle. Because what kind of father would he be if he didn't protect his family name or the honor of his most precious daughter?

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so yay, my writing is getting back to where it used to be. :) I'm over-thinking my sentence structure though -- it's varied enough, but not as organic as it once was. I haven't written creatively in a long time. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed so far. It's really nice to hear that people enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.**

**I would also like to clarify that this isn't a war story. Most other Mulan fanfics are basically Mulan gets recruited into the army again. I'm not saying she'll never have anything to do with the military in my story, but this Mulan has permanently retired from a soldier's life. **

**ETA: I also wanted to clarify something. During the Tang Dynasty, women enjoyed more freedom than ever before. They could drink, gamble, cause trouble just like men. Divorces (if mutual and peaceful) didn't bring any shame to either party. Women of esteem were also given more choices than those in the country. Fa Zhou knows that marriage is the only option for Mulan because his perception is restricted to the country. Mulan already realizes that she has choices in Chang'an and though she would like a happy marriage with children, she also has the option of a career if that didn't work out.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Chang'an was the center of the modern world -- a beehive in a field of flowers. Roads from as far as Europe led to the Middle Kingdom's greatest city. From all over the world, travelers traversed the roads to Chang'an to sell their goods, bask in the glory of the wondrous metropolis, or -- as in Mulan's case -- to start a new life. The city seemed to be teeming with heat and energy. During her brief visit months ago, the people were like the lanterns had been strung across the city, lit with the fires of victory. Today, they were the busy worker bees, wandering about the city with their business.

What spectacular business it was. As Mulan approached the city, she could see the walls were four or five times the size of a man. The entrance to the city -- the Mingde Gate -- was crowded with travelers and diplomats patiently waiting to enter. Most were Chinese, some carrying goods from their caravans, but there were other men too -- men who were not Chinese. Some had darker complexions, bolder features, thick beards, and wore layers of robes and sashes dyed with deep colors of mustard, burgundy, and midnight blue. She could see a few women, who covered their faces with intricate lace. Other men had faces that were pale and eyes blue. She had never seen such complexions before.

"It's busy for the festival. It will take us at least an hour before we get to Daming Palace."

Inside the city, carts swiftly passed by, carrying food, medicine, clothing, and trinkets. Wide to allow as much traffic as possible, the roads were lined with shorter walls and less grandiose guard towers, but beyond the walls, she could see the roofs of houses and the tops of trees. And when she was close to the residential area walls, she could faintly hear dogs and cows. The small gates opened on occasion and Mulan craned her neck to see into these separate areas. She and her Father pointed out different exciting things they saw and with ever step toward Daming, the more butterflies spawned inside of her stomach.

_'Is this what it's always like here?' _Mulan asked herself, her head rushing with excitement, but her stomach dropping in anxiety.

A grander wall and an even grander guard tower appeared in the distance and over the wall weren't crowded homes and trees, but only the tops of giant buildings. She could only assume that these were for the city's elite.

Shang rode in close to her, pointing to the roof she had been admiring. "That's the Administrative Sector and the Imperial City is behind it. There are many buildings in those two sectors, but that one is the biggest of the Administrative. You can't really see the Palace from here."

"How did I miss all of this last time?"

"I think you came in through the West Entrances. There really isn't much to see unless you come in from the South or the North."

"Or if it's nighttime."

Shang laughed and moved Qin a little closer to her wagon. With only a small movement, she could've reached out and touched his arm, but her hands were shaking: her entire body felt foreign. Pressure was building up inside of her body the way water builds up behind a dam, and she felt the only way to release it was to be closer to him. There were so many different feelings -- none of which could she identify or understand, but the more she saw of her new home, the stronger those desires became.

Finally, her lowly wagon stopped at a lovely guard tower decorated in bronze and copper, painted with outstanding murals, and lined with fabrics for the festival. Her wagon sat behind beautifully designed carriages, painted with colors of red, white, green, blue -- colors meant for nobility. Some had lining of canvas, linen, or silk and their horses wore cloth adornments with family names or symbols embroidered with fine gold string. Mulan suddenly felt very out of place with her old wagon cart and fraying smock. Even Shang, with his fine red cape, and her father, with his regal demeanor, looked more fitting than her -- the Honorable Guest.

_'Honorable Guest -- pshh. More like the lowly handmaiden.' _Mulan sighed and then straightened herself up, remembering her day with the Matchmaker -- well, the better part of that day. _'It's not about the clothes you wear, but your attitude, Mulan. You are a hero of China now. Dignity. Refinement. Poise.'_

"Captain Li, welcome! You are staying in the Imperial apartments for the festival? Are these your servants?" asked a guard at the door with a scroll of names in his hand.

"No, this is Fa Zhou and the Lady Warrior Fa Mulan -- the Emperor's Honored Guest. I was their escort from the Qianzhou Provence."

The guard nearly dropped his scroll, floundering like a fish on land. "Oh, ah, my – my sincerest apologies! Dan Ti, the gate immediately. Your Palace escort will be waiting for you."

"Well, Mulan, even if our clothing isn't deserving of respect, your name certainly strikes fear into the heart of brave men," her Father laughed and Mulan couldn't help but chuckle with him, feeling less self-conscious than before.

The old wagon began to move forward as Khan pulled them into the Daming grounds. Mulan suddenly realized why this entrance was used to greet guests -- the road was lined with pink cherry blossom trees. Green trees towered everywhere around her -- some with bushy leaves and others with mosses hanging low. She could see a pond through some purple and pink flowering bushes and heard the faint stream of water. As Khan trotted forward, she caught sight of couples walking along gravel paths or children running through grassy clearings. Large orange, red, blue, and gold pagoda buildings reached higher into the sky than the tall trees and she spied young women, just her age, having tea inside one of them. All around her was the squawking of birds as the fragrant breeze of spring caressed her face. Splotches of light hit her skin -- the rest catching on the shadows of leaves above her head.

Roads split off from the main one, leading to pagodas and large Halls. Horses and boisterous men collected at the entrances, laughing and hugging.

"Good morning!" called a young woman's voice ahead of them as the same woman rode up swiftly to them with a bright smile on her face.

Shang and her Father pulled back on their respective reins. "Welcome, you must be Fa Zhou and Fa Mulan. And Captain Li, I'm happy to see you; it has been such a long time. I am Nan Peiyue -- a Courtier here."

Nan Peiyue was a lively woman, young enough to be so, but still old enough to have hints of wisdom and experience in her eyes. Mulan imagined that this woman was a few years older than herself, maybe a little older than Shang. Though the woman was respectable with her fine silk and painted face, she had the air of a wife and mother. It was something Mulan had seen in all the women who went from being maidens to mistresses. Although, she seemed to have a finer attitude about her, sophisticated and arrogant. Mulan quickly wondered if all the women of Court put on such airs.

"Hello," said Fa Zhou and Mulan together.

"I am one of the Courtiers at the palace, but I will serve you during your stay here. I hope your journey was satisfactory?"

"It went very smoothly, yes."

*~*~*~*~*

Mulan's conversation with Nan Peiyue continued as they continued down the Magnolia Path toward the Guest House. The Courtier outlined all of the amenities available to Mulan, who seemed to be having trouble keeping up with all the information being thrown at her. Nan Peiyue either didn't notice or didn't care, continuing to prattle on as if these were her grounds she was showing and not the Emperor's.

Shang could scarcely imagine such a lavish treatment for himself despite being a Captain in the Imperial Army, the son of an honorable, but late, General, and a member of Court. Mulan was a girl from the country. Though she wasn't simple by any stretch of the imagination, she was most accustomed to a simple life. The only ally she had here was the small education her merchant father could afford to give her and the only advantage was her rise of title. It was clear that she was uncomfortable with all the gifts she was receiving from the Emperor and uncertain of her surroundings. Not that Shang was confident of her new place here either. In his mind, she had her simple clothes, her natural face, her spry personality.

Shang's eyes met with Mulan's and she turned to look around at the gardens. Her delicate features were set firmly in place, composing herself as they reached the Guest House. At that moment she looked like a courtier.

"You will be staying here until more permanent accommodations can be made. With the Festival, many diplomats are staying in city residences. For our Honorable Guest, you will have the pleasure of staying in our nicest House."

A foot servant ran up to Nan Peiyue and helped her from her horse and then moved to Fa Zhou. In a swift movement, Shang had slid off Quin's back (which he was sure his horse was very grateful for) and approached Mulan still sitting in the wagon. Nan Peiyue was talking rapidly with Fa Zhou about the extensive gardens behind the Apartments and Shang took the opportunity to lean close to the Lady Warrior. He looked up at her, with the sun's light brushing across her face. He reached up to take her hand and help her down from the wagon.

The look in her eye was skeptical -- clearly, she thought she didn't need assistance, but her hand was shaking slightly as she accepted his offer. In one swift movement, his hand was around her waist as she slid to the ground. His thoughts were thus distracted by her smile and the feeling of warm cotton beneath his hand. He slowly released her, but found his discipline didn't allow him to move away.

"I suppose ladies don't jump from carriages by themselves?" Mulan laughed, and then sighed as the wind blew past. "It's so different here."

"Because you can't jump from a carriage yourself?" Shang blurted out and Mulan gave him a bemused look.

_'Good, I'm a moron.'_

"You'll get used to it," he said.

"To not jumping from carriages?" she teased. "I know I'll adjust. I just -- it'll help having Baba and you here. You're the only person I know."

More words spilled from his mouth -- he wanted to stop them, but she needed to know what she was going to expect. He told her about the lavish apartments and high ceilings and servants running about. He said that there would be parties and games, but also plenty of places for quiet thought. He said that the food was the best you'd ever taste and the tea was sweeter than honey. He said that the courtiers were just people. Some were honorable, some were deceiving. He bent the truth when he described the motives of the court and her reception with them. He wondered if he lied because she needed the reassurance or if he hoped it would be different for her. His experiences with Court were not always the best and perhaps he was protecting her more by filtering out his own bias.

The words didn't seem to help much.

Despite all his impartial advice, he wanted to declare that he would be there for her, every moment and any moment she needed him. Mulan was a flower amongst weeds. He would protect her from the experiences he had growing up in court. A fanciful thought came to him of keeping her from the other men -- the other potential husbands.

"Walk into the Palace with your head held high and _without _that manly strut of yours."

Mulan laughed as the image entered her mind. "You know, I'm more nervous now than when I was pretending to be a man."

"Maybe there was a mix-up? You are much too intelligent to be a woman."

Mulan feigned a gasp and covered her mouth daintily in surprise and offense. "Shang, too intelligent to be a woman? If wit is any indication of intelligence, then I have more than my commanding officer, Captain Carriage."

_'It will be a while before she forgets that one.'_

Shang laughed and the two bantered back and forth with slight jabs toward the other. She touched his hand with hers and he leaned in close so that his lips would nearly brush her ear. It may be an innocent exchange between two friends now, but with the closeness of their bodies and the softness of their laughter, it felt more like the sweet nothings between lovers.

The brighter her smile became, the more he felt himself smile in return. He could feel blood coursing through his veins, harder and faster. A familiar, but overwhelming feeling was stirring inside of him. She reached up and brushed a stray hair from her face. When her eyes connected with his, he felt his insides tighten like strands of rope winding against each other. He felt as if there was an invisible force between them that was pulling them closer. A magnolia flower floated and fell on his shoulder. She immediately reached up and brushed it off, but before she pulled her hand away, Shang grasped it. Her skin was soft and the longer their hands were wound together, the more of the world disappeared around them.

Shang wondered if the rest of Mulan's skin was just as soft as her hand, and without even realizing it, his hand found its way to her shoulder, just barely touching the nape of her neck. Her eyes drifted shut as his fingers brushed lightly across her skin. He could feel his rational thinking dissipate and his instincts take over. Thoughts were churning into fantasies that were no longer innocent – sliding her silk robe off her shoulder, kissing the skin revealed to him, finding the fires of desire in her eyes. His imagination was running away so far and so fast, what use was there trying to reign it in?

Shang stared into Mulan's eyes, finding them open and wanting in the way he had imagined only moments before. If she wanted him like her eyes said that she did, why not reach over and fulfill more fantasies? Why not kiss her? Take her for himself? Keep her with him? Pledge himself to her?

"Mulan, are you ready to look around more?" The two removed their hands from their small entanglements. As soon as he did, his hand felt cold and foreign – as if its only purpose was to feel her.

"Huh?" she asked, completely engrossed in her moment with Shang. "Oh, yes, of course."

She whispered to him, "These grounds better be as nice as you say. . . ." and then walked toward Fa Zhou. As soon as she walked away, he wanted to feel her beside him again. The foreign, cold ache that took his hand as soon as it left Mulan's shoulder spread to his entire body as soon as she left his side. This strange longing he had to be with her was stronger than anything he felt in his entire life.

For a moment, it scared him.

_'No.'_

No, Shang knew he couldn't keep looking at her or touching her. Not like this. He couldn't feed the fires or have her in every way. For the first time in his life, he cursed honor and self-discipline. They were more the barriers between him and Mulan more than anything physical could be. As much as he hated any barrier, there was wisdom in preserving them.

Shang needed some space from the Lady Warrior -- space to clear his mind, to think about what exactly what he was doing. It was so easy to be caught up in foolishness when he was around her. Losing all his consciousness, his rationality? It just wasn't right or _normal_ for a man to have desires completely overtake him like this. To sacrifice reason, honor, and discipline all just to _touch_ her? It was perverse.

'_Nothing is more dangerous than a woman who is strong, beautiful, and clever.' _

"Fa Zhou, Fa Mulan, Nan Peiyue, I hope to see you all soon," Shang said, jumping onto his horse.

"Oh, you -- you're not coming?" Mulan replied quickly.

Nan Peiyue huffed, "Oh surely not, that would be most improper."

"Ah, but the Captain is a close friend of the family. You are welcome to join us," said Fa Zhou.

The small traces of hope in Mulan's eyes that he would go with them plus every impulse in his body were almost enough for him to jump off his horse. Those small traces were almost enough for him to never leave her, to fall to his knees, but he couldn't let himself fall prey to her again. It wasn't safe to get keep getting so close to her -- not like this. So he cleared his throat, thanked them for the offer, but insisted that he hadn't been with his family in quite some time. He couldn't let himself look at Mulan before speeding off. He checked in briefly with his commanding lieutenant, agreed to meet up later for some wine, before being dismissed for a few days.

With his horse, he sped through Chang'an. The people surrounding him were in a blur. He made Qin run as fast as possible to distract his mind from other thoughts. He only saw the road before him and focused entirely on getting back home. It didn't take long to reach the Li Estate outside the city walls. The estate was in a small walled and heavily guarded community of wealthy families who preferred peace over the bustle of the city. It was also close to the Yellow river, secluded in the forest and separate from the thousands of lower-class people living outside Chang'an walls (since living inside the city was mainly a privilege for the wealthy). Not many people lived out here year round, but those who did were a very close group.

Upon reaching the grounds, a servant rang the bell. He wondered briefly if anyone was home -- after all, both his sisters were married. He didn't have to wonder long as Mingzhu rushed out to see him, throwing her arms in a large embrace as he dismounted from Qin. Huiliang followed soon after her, tears streaming down her face. Unfortunately, his mother and grandmother were out in the City, preparing for his arrival and the festival in only a few days.

"Oh, Shang, we haven't seen you in months! I'm so happy you're here. Look at you! You look well! When did we last see him, Huiliang?"

Hiliang brushed the tears from her eyes, trying to calm herself. "Oh, a little while after the New Year and only for a few days. There was so much to discuss, but we were all so quiet."

The three stopped for a moment, thinking back on their Father and the horrible days spent together after he died. Being surrounded by his family for those few days offered some consolation, but not much. His head was overwhelmed and he kept himself preoccupied so that the full force of what happened wouldn't drain him. It wasn't until his journey to the South, that he finally had accepted it. Even now, being on these grounds reminded him of memories of the General.

Mingzhu quickly changed the topic. She wasn't one to dwell on sad affairs either. "Come try, Huiliang's new tea. It's wonderful!"

Huiliang led him to the house and served him a special citrus tea drink she had been perfecting since he had left. He missed her strange, but delicious concoctions. Huiliang sat across from him, describing the tea, and Shang was just grateful for the familiarity of it all. Huiliang was only older by about a year while Mingzhu was three years younger than himself. Shang was easily closest with Huiliang with her age came a more serene personality. Huiliang seemed older now, wiser, sad. The last year and a half had taken quite a toll on her as well.

"Tell Shang your news, Mingzhu."

"I'm with child! Xian Po and I are praying for a son. I have seven more months. Oh, you should've seen the celebration when we found out."

Shang felt a small amount of sadness. His younger sister finds out she's going to have a baby and he isn't there? "There must've been quite a celebration when he returned from war as well."

Huiliang laughed hysterically and Mingzhu blushed.

"Quite the celebration indeed. Oh, you should have heard all of Xian Po's relatives congratulate his excellent work! Only a few days back war and he conceived a child."

Mingzhu, also very talented at changing conversation topics, said, "So we've heard plenty of stories about the Lady Warrior, and every one of them includes you. You must tell us all about Fa Mulan."

Huiliang suddenly became very interested in his response, watching him carefully. Shang tried to hide any emotions, but his mind drifted to the memory of her sitting confidently on top of the wagon today, sunlight on her face and the smell of magnolia surrounding them.

"Ah, do you see that Huiliang? In his eyes? He's smitten for her."

Clearly, it failed.

Knowing that the interrogation had only begun, he asked for more tea. The two women asked him everything about her -- where she lived, her talents, her story in the war, her character, how they met, what he thought of her. He was candid with them as much as he would allow himself to be. Tiny bits of emotion seeped through his attempt to remain objective.

"She sounds very interesting. I would love to meet her," said Mingzhu diplomatically. "It sounds like you care for her already."

"Interesting, yes, but I wonder if she's _too_ interesting. Clearly, she's honorable, but she's defiant. Those women are dangerous, Shang."

"I understand that, Huiliang, but not for the reasons you think. She's trustworthy. She saved the Emperor."

"She also destroyed thousands of men. That kind of person is not to be taken lightly. The more defenses you have on the outside, _dai-dai_, the fewer there are the inside. Shan-Yu taught China that lesson very well."

Shang paused for a moment. He didn't realize until now how much he had already given up to Mulan. To desire someone so passionately was dangerous. Thought there wasn't just danger in the passion, but danger in the desire. He questioned her trustworthiness once and she proved herself – but in what way? As a solider or a servant? Yes. As a daughter? Perhaps. What about as a woman or a wife? He really had no idea.

"Huiliang, Mingzhu, you cannot tell Mother or Grandmother about Mulan. I don't want them to have the wrong impression of her."

"They will already have a different impression from her, Shang," said Mingzhu.

"I do, well, hope for a future with her. It's vital I have my family's blessing. I can't jeopardize that."

Mingzhu and Huiliang shared a look. "Then you must be careful with her," said Huiliang. "Fa Mulan is a dangerous river. She is water. Water is something that could just as easily create as it can destroy. "

He knew enough of her character that he could be confident in her trustworthiness, but that didn't negate that she was worthy of respect for who she was and for the power she had over him. Huiliang was right. Mulan was a dangerous river, and dangerous rivers can only be navigated with preparation, skill, and perfect timing.

*************************

Muchas gracias to my beta, Argent Aurora!

*Qin (Shang's horse) is pronounced _tseen_ not kin or keen.

dai-dai = little brother (informally)

Rewrite + Finals + Moving = No Mulan for a while.

I hope you liked it! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Calculations had never been Li Shang's strong suit. Trying to decipher the finances of his family's estate was like trying to find the logic in Mingzhu's emotions. His Mother said that instability was normal for expecting women, but this didn't seem normal. Xian Po's shared tales of his never-ending battle with crying, anger, and strange food cravings. What Xian Po failed to realize that a never-ending battle sounded manageable -- there was strategy, skill, and wit involved in war. There was no such thing in unpredictable women. The hysterics of women all made him yearn for the war again and seriously consider never marrying. Shang shook off his negative thoughts. As it was, his finances were still plaguing him. Shang groaned, rummaging through the papers. He stopped to think, _'What am I looking for? What am I trying to accomplish?'_

The soft sound of footsteps came from behind him and a second flicker from candlelight hit his desk. His Mother held out a cup of warm tea. "Oh, you're just like your Father. Always working much too hard. It's honorable, _Jai,_ that you work so hard for us."

"There's so much work to be done," Shang replied, drinking some of the tea. He didn't realize how thirsty he was. The hot water felt good sliding down his throat. In the days that he had been home, he threw himself into work, hoping to make a dent in the long list of tasks that still needed to be accomplished. It was easy to be preoccupied with the family affairs, but unwanted thoughts still crept in when he least expected it. Sometimes they were memories of his Father, but Shang found those thoughts more manageable when he set aside time to think about him during early morning prayers.

"You will make an excellent husband. I think I would like to meet your young woman."

Shang nearly choked on his tea, a small sense of panic rising inside of him. _'Who told Mother about Mulan?"_

His Mother sighed. "I have a lovely new friend. Her name is Jin Jisu. She is coming for tea tomorrow. You should meet her. Perhaps she will be yours?"

Shang set down his cup and rubbed his temples -- he felt a headache growing. "_Mou chan_. . . ."

"Don't you speak to your Mama that way! If your Father was here, you would not get away with such impertinence -- no matter how old you are!" She pulled Shang's hands away from his face and glowered deeply into him, just as she did when he was a young boy. "You've had plenty of lovely, amiable prospects, but you turn them all down. You know it is your duty to marry. If you don't then there will be consequences, Li Shang. You could be shamed into being a lowly Captain forever or rumored as a Bitten Peach. You are not meant for shame or rumors. You are meant for honor and success."

Shang didn't know what to say. He had a woman, cared for her, wanted her for himself, but she was dangerous just as Huiliang said. He had let his mind drift to Mulan, in moments not overcome with business, military, or family. He had been mapping out a strategy -- a plan of attack -- so to speak, before approaching her again. Letting himself fall prey to any lusts, however small, was not an option. He couldn't just pursue her like any other because he wanted her more than he had ever wanted any other. He missed seeing her everyday. He wondered how the first days in Chang'an were treating her.

Still, his Mother sat beside him with tears in her eyes. He patted her back consolingly. "I wish I understood, Shang. Perhaps then I could ease your concerns if I understood. Your Father always understood you more than I ever could. Oh, I miss him so."

_'I do too.'_

His mother took his hands into her own. "Tell me what to do, Shang. Would you like me to introduce more women to you? Would you like me to step away? Do you have your eye on someone already? I want you to find happiness."

Shang considered telling his Mother right then and there about Mulan. He could talk for hours of her character and strength, of how he missed her, of what they shared. Fa Mulan wasn't just any woman. She was unique and that made her the most valuable thing in the world. No, he had a plan. The plan was good. Despite her manipulations, he had to appease his Mother because it became more clear that she mourned her husband the same way he did his Father -- with projects and distractions.

"I will meet Jin Jisu, Mama."

His Mother beamed with happiness and hugged him tightly. She fussed over what he should wear and say. As they both left the room and Shang laid down to sleep, more thoughts became consumed with Mulan.

He fell asleep thinking of her. Dreamt of her that night. Awoke with the sadness that she was not there. Wished desperately that she was Jisu.

**********

Immediately upon arriving to Chang'an, Mulan had been thrown into preparations for her debut into Royal society. Tutors had come by with instructions for dining and etiquette. Tailors came by and sewed a new wardrobe of fine silk robes. Every moment, from before dawn until after dusk was scheduled. She didn't even have time to explore her new home.

Mulan didn't dare complain. She was more than grateful for everything, but it became clear that she had underestimated the life of a courtier.

On her fourth night since arriving, a feast was prepared to welcome the guests and dignitaries before the official festivities started in two days. A bath supplemented with fine and fragrant oils was ready for her. Her hair and skin scrubbed to a pulp. Hair twisted in ways that would've been mocked back in Bai-Lin. Silks were tightened and knotted around her body until she could barely breathe. The servants who dressed her adorned her with compliments of her appearance.

When the door to her chambers opened, revealing her to her father and Nan Peiyue, Fa Zhou had never looked so shocked in his entire life. Nan Peiyue circled around her, pulling at the fabric here, touching her sculpted hair, ordering the servants to bring her perfumes.

"Fa Mulan, you look perfectly adequate for the feast, but tomorrow, you must look even better. This is a much simpler outfit than what we have planned for the festival. Vo Tiyan this is not up to par with what is necessary for tomorrow. She is his Highness' Honored Guest. I will summon our highest tailor since it is clear that you cannot handle your duties alone. I will call for him now so he can begin preparing. You will assist him. Is that understood?"

The older woman who had designed Mulan's outfit bowed and retreated into the servants' quarters. Mulan was horrified that Nan Peiyue would talk to another like that. If she had done that in Bai-Lin, then the tailor would've kicked her out faster than a winter rain would fall from the sky. Nan Peiyue hurried her and her father out the door, dictating a letter to the courier as she did. Just as they were out the door, Nan Peiyue grabbed the decorative peacock feathers from a vase and strategically placed them in Mulan's hair.

Very soon, they had arrived at the Linde Hall for a banquet. The Emperor sat at center of the Front Hall, as guests approached him to pay their respects. The ceiling had a number of silks intricately woven together like clouds in the setting sun above a garden of colorful flowers moving about in a wind. A fine smoke seemed to linger in the air, so fragrant it made Mulan's head spin. She smiled and giggled at the men who eyed her as they walked by. Servants would hand her shrimp coated in hot spices, small green leaves which were sharp and sour, seed that when she chewed on them seemed to rain sweetness down her throat. Time seemed to stand still surrounded by laughter and exotic experiences.

Before she knew it, she was bowing before the Emperor. "Fa Zhou and Fa Mulan, my Honored Guest. I am pleased that you are here. Are you enjoying yourself thus far? I hope you have been provided for?"

"Yes, your Majesty, thank you. Everyone has kept me so busy, teaching me to fit in with royal society. It's amazing, but I look forward to having the opportunity to explore on my own."

"Ah, an unusual trait in a woman. I have never had the desire to explore as you do, but you are our Lady Warrior. It would be a shame to squander that curiosity, would it not? And if you are planning on exploring, then you must be planning on staying in Chang'an after the festival?"

"Yes, your Majesty."

"You are a welcome addition here. I knew you would -- a man with as many years as I do can predict these things. Nan Peiyue, make sure that the Lady Warrior is well met with all the circles fitting for a courtier of her stature. She must learn dancing, art, games, conversation. I will not have one of my finest courtiers without these skills. Fa Mulan, are you well versed in anything already?"

Mulan wasn't sure what to say. She could ride a horse, shoot flaming arrows, kick a man in the face, but none of these were very yin, very feminine. . . except one.

"Poetry -- a bit. I received a scroll of poems as a gift. I wouldn't consider myself well-versed, but I have been memorizing my favorites and people say that I speak them quite well."

"Ah, well, I will have you read to me some time. Nan Peiyue, you must introduce her to our poets and our linguistic tutors," he said boisterously. "And introduce her to our finest men here. I promised her a match."

Nan Peiyue bowed. "Of course, your Majesty."

"Fa Mulan, your presence here honors us all. You are already a hero to China and a jewel in my court. I want you to be one of the brightest."

A familiar nervous chill ran down Mulan's back as she thanked the Emperor. Nan Peiyue then led her into the crowd of joyful men and women. The Son of Heaven seemed much more exuberant than when she saw him last. The hundreds of people around her were talking back and forth, sharing their stories. In the corner, women and men playing instruments and dancing to exotic sounding tunes. Nan Peiyue guided her -- when to bow, to keep eye contact, to smile, to hold her head up high. At first, she felt perfectly confident, but as she realized more and more her task tonight was to converse with men, she realized her lack of skill in it.

"Mulan, if nothing else, let them talk and you listen," said Nan Peiyue very matter-of-factly. "Better to remain mysterious and coy than blundering."

_'Your confidence in me, Nan Peiyue, is comforting. Thank you_,_'_ Mulan thought sarcastically. She looked over to her Father, who seemed to be maintaining his composure, but she knew growing up that he was no good at schmoozing.

Nan Peiyue's smile widened considerably and held her hands for a man to take. He was a distinguished looking, Persian man who wore the clothes of scholars. They embraced and kissed affectionately. He whispered something into her ear and she laughed. It was the first time she seen Nan Peiyue show any kind of happiness. The man, which Mulan only assumed was her husband, took her hand and pulled her into the group of men he was talking to and introduced her. Nan Peiyue further opened the circle and introduced the Honored Guest and her Father.

There were at least 10 people in the group, six of whom were unmarried men -- Nan Mahbod, Omid Sorush, Man Kong, Han Zhen, Fang Zhi, and Peng Nuan. They all talked and shared their lives with her, admiring her beauty, her great bravery and her sacrifice for China. All the men were government scholars and had studied together for the Imperial Exams. They had mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends who also were equally impressive. Some came from the South, others from the North, two were Persian sons of merchants. They had skills in archery, calligraphy, and storytelling. One was particularly humorous while another was especially kind.

Mulan felt satisfied that she could excel here. She would find her place here. She knew that she had much left to learn (some of her responses to their talking came with curious looks), but overall she made a reasonable connection with them. Soon, they begged Mulan to share her stories and so she did -- going into great detail over her defeat of Shan Yu. They shared their own memories of watching the strange person jump from the roof of the palace and then later prostrating before her. They shared their disbelief for a long while that the woman before them was the same person.

"Forgive me if I expected someone different."

"More masculine, you mean?" Mulan joked and they all laughed (except for Nan Peiyue, who looked a bit horrified). The men nodded their heads, but Mulan couldn't blame them.

"Forgive me, Fa Mulan, but you are small, lithe young woman while Shan Yu is a large brute."

Mulan smiled to the men. "Strength and size are not what win wars. They are the tools of a quick mind and bravery, but if the minds match, then the more conditioned soldier wins. So do you see those dancers? They are strong, flexible, and balanced, are they not? This is the conditioning of a soldier."

Nan Peiyue's scholarly husband said, "I never thought of it like that. It is the grace of a woman, but the fight of a man. A perfect yin and yang wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes, dance is perfectly balanced too," said the wife of one of the men in the circle. For some reason, she seemed to have an air about her that was willful. Her dress was more refined, more elegant than the flashy fabrics Mulan was wearing. Small bits of gray dotted her hair and faint smiling wrinkles on the sides of her eyes. It was a first to encounter a woman who spoke freely with men. Who was she? "It isn't just movement, but sensuality of our nature, our inner strength, our vitality that makes women soldiers. Fa Mulan, I believe that with your martial arts training, you won a few spars?"

Mulan nodded, unsure where she was going with this. "I did. Several times against my commanding officer, Captain Li."

"Well, then it is abundantly clear that you shall be able to bring any of our fine Chang'an bachelors to his knees."

Everyone laughed again (except for Nan Peiyue and her Father), and Mulan knew it wasn't just in her imagination that she saw the men in that circle eye her with a little more interest than before.

"Ah," added Nan Peiyue, "but then we must reconcile the natural grace and beauty of an Honorable Lady and the tricks of a temptress. An Honorable man can recognize the difference, yes?"

The Persian man beside Nan Peiyue leaned down and kissed her. "Well, that is the test of any man. Those unmarried are still to be tested and those who have married and stand here have passed."

"I will drink to that Nan Ahmad! To becoming an honorable gentleman with an honorable lady!"

Nan Peiyue smiled as she sipped her wine, looking very pleased with herself. Mulan couldn't help but wonder why. Nan Ahmad then bid farewell to the men for tonight, while his wife cited that there were many others that the Lady Warrior and Fa Zhou should meet.

As they walked away, Nan Peiyue whispered very strictly to her. "You are very lucky. It seems that Gang Fei Fei is quite fond of you. Keep playing right and she will be a good friend and useful connection. Not many are worthy of such a mentor or friend. You must be careful about overstepping any bounds. Gang He has the status to speak frankly with men and debate. You do not. Watch your rash tongue, Fa Mulan."

The new group, much the same size with unmarried men. Nouri, Pahlbod, Zuo, Cang, Ke, Dou, Peng, Fei, Gu, Ren, Chen, Sun and on and on -- they all began to blur in her mind. Some were members of the Imperial family -- owners of titles and land all over the country. They were scholars, merchants, lawyers, doctors, soldiers, advisers, architects, scientists, and artists. They all admired her beauty, bravery, and sacrifice. All of them had impressive skills. Many whispered into her ear. Many were humorous. Many were kind. Many had been to far away places.

Mulan became tired of smiling and retelling her great adventures. She became bored with the same superficial compliments -- hoping that someone would see beyond them. Perhaps two or three men actually asked her more than her adventures in the military. Only one had even dared to talk to her about her opinions and thoughts. Those same men asked to call upon her in the future (which she readily agreed). It became very clear, however, that even if Chang'an was the right place for her, she couldn't have amazing connections with all its residents. She wondered, as she watched the rest of the group chat, if she was more of a commodity valued for her fame?

It was in that moment she desperately wanted to see Shang. She hadn't seen him in nearly a fortnight and she missed his company, especially with so much clutter in her mind. She wondered if he was there for the banquet? The gong for their meal rang and everyone sat down at the tables. Mulan's group grew as Nan Peiyue's unmarried friends joined, Nan Mahbod, Omid Sorush, Sun Jing and his friends (the scientists), and two men that her Father had met all sat down at the same table. Their meal consisted of the most incredible tasting pork, chicken, vegetables, sweets, and tea she had ever tasted. The scientists, her and a few others talked rapidly completely enthralled in their conversation.

"Chinese scientists have been working for years on discovering the key to immortality. It's a wonder if we ever discover it. I doubt such a substance exists. I've been looking recently into the Yangtze river and studying the plants there. It's a particularly amazing area -- some of the people who live nearby live ten to fifteen years longer than everyone else. I wonder if there is a substance in the water there that is giving them health."

"Do not listen to my friend, everyone. His mystical river is no match for my discoveries. I make fire powder, manipulate it with different chemicals. We're so close to working with it in an entirely new way."

Although Mulan was enjoying her company and her food -- after all, what more could anyone ask for? -- her eyes diverted the entire night through the room to find Shang. Despite admonishing herself for her foolishness, she still hoped that he would be there. Sun Jing promised to call on her in the future which made Mulan smile, but when the hundreds of guests filed out of the Hall for their beds, and she still had not seen, Shang, her smile faltered. She fell asleep that night thinking of her Captain, wondering if he was thinking of her too.

********

Bitten Peach = Ancient Chinese slang for homosexual  
Mou Chan = Mother (formal)

Wikipedia is a BAMF. I love it.

Thank you so much to all my reviewers! And to my amazing beta, Argent Aurora! I love it when I get a little feedback from you guys :)

I know it's been a while, but I'm a slow writer. I like outlining the important, but sometimes little things. Mulan's gonna do more soon. She just is the new kid at school and she's gotta make a few friends first :)


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